I never saw it coming. Never in a million years would I have guessed that it would come to this.
Suddenly, I was a widow.
My husband had committed suicide.
My entire life changed in the course of just a few short hours.
One of the first questions people ask me is if I noticed any warning signs. I can honestly say “no”. Of course, there are those everyday stressors and we had been going through a rocky time in our marriage, but nothing I thought would rise to this level.
To me, my husband was strong. At over six feet tall he was not only physically strong but also emotionally. I rarely saw him cry. Maybe the fact that he never opened up about what he was feeling was a warning sign in and of itself. Still, I don’t understand how someone who I viewed as both physically and emotionally strong could do this.
Maybe it was a troubled childhood that haunted him. Maybe it was pressure from work. Maybe it was something else entirely. Whatever it was, it was something that drove him to the brink of desperation.
These are questions that will never have answers.
That’s what haunts me.
Did I somehow miss the signs?
Would this have happened if he had sought help?
What inner demons was he wrestling with?
Honestly, the list could go on and on. The truth is, there will always be more questions than answers. Answers that I will never have. Although as frustrating as it is, it is the reality of the situation.
You see, that’s the thing about suicide. Unlike other deaths, suicide leaves loved ones looking for a sense of closure. For healing. Trust me, I’m living it. Making the best of what’s left behind.
There are days when I look back and wonder how I got here. How my life changed in a matter of hours. Regardless of the route, however, this is now my life and I’m going to make it.
I’m now a widow.
I’m a Survivor of Suicide.
If you are ever considering suicide, I urge you to contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day as well as an online chat. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
I know the pain all too well. It grabbed me by the souls of my feet and twisted my heart. At times it was hard to breathe, at times hard to carry on, Getting into counseling myself, as a survivor in a group setting, helped immensely. Tho I no longer blame myself for Michael’s death, its still hard every October to hit the football stadium without him. Time passes, the pain lessens but we never forget, we never quit wondering, what if. I’m a phone call away and always around, reach out if you need to. Much love.~D
I’m so sorry. I nearly missed my daughter’s desperation, and almost lost her. I understand how you feel – how could I have missed this, when I never saw it coming.
Sending you so much love and prayers for peace.
As someone who has also been through this, the lack of warning signs is a blessing. When there are signs, but missed, hindsight taunts you.
Though a tragedy, their pain is over.
I’m sure now that many of the broken pieces are picked up, you are starting to find that you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be.
I am so sorry 🙁 I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Huge huge (((hugs))) to you and your family.
I’m so sorry Rachel. I’m truly hope you find peace. I will keep you & your boys in my prayers.
Hugs to you, sweet mama <3
*HUGS* I’m so glad that you’re keeping the positive side of things at the moment. I can’t imagine that it’s easy.
Thanks for sharing
Rachel- you are a strong and beautiful young woman and this is a very powerful, personal piece. I have thought of you often since your husband’s passing and can’t imagine the journey you are on as a widow, but I know your little ones, your family and friends will all help you to not just survive, but thrive. You are stronger than you know, and God is with you.
I am so very sorry. I just can’t imagine. I will be praying for you and your boys. You are a strong mama and I’m glad you shared this very hard post. You just never know who you may help. Hugs to you!
Dearest Rachel — Dear sweet, sweet sister!
I had no idea! I can’t even fathom the depth of your pain. Thank you for your courage in sharing this. My lovely daughter attempted suicide numerous times as a teenager. I look at her today, and I thank God that she failed each time she tried. She has told me how she “felt” when she decided — “Enough!” (I put “felt” in quotation marks because, as she put it, she wasn’t really “feeling” anything. She said she was completely numb inside. I believe her, but I can’t relate to that at all.)
I will keep you and your little guys in my prayers.